Sunday, March 03, 2024

Johnny Watcher’s 10 Rules of Failure

By John P. Smith
Apocalypse Watch News

An apocalypse is not the end of anything. The word is seriously mis-used most of the time. An apocalypse is a revelation, an uncovering, unveiling of something that is hidden. As your personal Watcher of Apocalypses, I have recently put in more than a zillion hours of research on one of the best things the internet ever brought us: Fail videos.

    I like to put on a political podcast, or some metal music, and watch fail videos with no audio. It is one of my favorite ways to relax and unwind. Let’s be honest: These are some of the most relatable videos on the net. We’ve all been there. We all understand. 

    Yet, there are limits. Sometimes I just want to yell at those people, “No! Haven’t you watched any fail videos?” Do they listen? Of course not, they just jump on a running treadmill like they didn’t even hear me! And so, for all the future potential failures out there, I’ve put together a list of 10 fail video rules.

1. The treadmill always wins. (Example: Treadmills.)

2. Keep the gravity impaired individual off the swing.

        (Example: Do I really need to spell this out?)

3. Do not put Mom on the motorbike. (Example: Mom on a motorbike.)

4. Stay off the kids’ toys. (Example: Grandpa on a Big Wheel.)

5. Yes, you will fall down. (Example: Ice, snow, wet rocks, decks, boats, back-flips.)

6. No, you can’t jump that. (Example: Skateboards, scooters, bikes, skis, snowboards.)

7. Yes, you will get wet. (Example: Any boat, canoe, kayak, beach-side photo op.)

8. Exercise will kill you. (Example: Rubber straps on unlocked doors, chin-up bars.)

9. Gravity is not your friend. (Example: Really? You need an example? Ok, ladders.)

10. You can’t park there. (Actually, you can park there, but probably shouldn’t.)

11. (Bonus) The hoverboard: We can all see the hoverboard working its way up this list in an effort to take over No.1 from the treadmill. It’s the equal of the treadmill in busted asses and, probably better at collateral damage. But, it really can’t compete in the clothing removal department.

    Robert Heinlein said, “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” Follow these rules and maybe we’ll start seeing some new failure modes. Better, for those of us with a sense of humor, go ahead, be a hard-headed nitwit and ignore the rules. We’ll just keep getting new versions of the same old thing. It’s still funny, every time. (Especially treadmills.)

(John P. Smith is a military trained journalist living in northern Arkansas. He is host of the Apocalypse Watch and Johnny Watcher shows. Visit the website ( for more information and links to the most recent podcasts. Check out his new book, available on Amazon as paperback or Kindle: Conspiracy 101: Welcome to the Conspiratorium)

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